Swiping right to find love is pretty common these days, and even more so as we get closer to Valentine’s Day. But some people of color who are part of the LGBTQ community say their experiences have been marred by uncomfortable conversations — often racist and discriminatory.
According to a 2021 report by harmonya dating site with more than 15.5 million users, 36 percent of Canadians use online dating apps to meet a potential partner.
“I was dating this one guy, and a month after the date, he turned to me and was like, ‘Sasha, I can’t wake up next to you for the rest of my life because you’re not white,'” he told Sasha Mark , who is Cree-Métis and lives in Vancouver.
As a gay dating app user, Mark says his options are limited.
“I just get a grid of people who are closest to me, and it’s like grocery shopping … It’s a very disposable way of dating.”
He says even though conversations about racism have changed in the past three years, it’s still deeply coded into online behavior.
“It strikes me as odd because I think as people who have been oppressed you would think that there would be no racism in this community. But there were long lines of people saying, ‘No fats, no women, no Asians on dating apps.’
‘Do I really belong here?’
Myriah MacIntyre, a doctoral student in clinical psychology at the University of Ottawa and a co-author of the research paper The Traumatizing Impact of Racism in Canadians of Color, says people with overlapping identities experience racism not only from heteronormal people but, surprisingly, from their own community.
MacIntyre, a queer woman of Black and Indigenous ancestry, says the LGBTQ community can be an isolated space for people of color.
“It all kind of stems from standards maintained by the media or by these types of spaces for the ideal queer person,” she said.
She says people often experience two sides of the spectrum of discrimination.
They are either ghosted based on their looks or appearance, or just completely ignored, or in certain cases they receive messages that are directly targeting certain aspects of their appearance.
“So I think racism was there and never went,” she said. “Some people now feel more comfortable saying more openly racist things behind a screen.”
She says people who join the queer community and are looking for a welcoming and open space don’t really expect to face other layers of discrimination.
“That kind of leads to more feelings of insecurity and even more insecurity, even about your identity. ‘And do I really, really belong in this room?’” she said.
The discussion has also raised questions in the community to distinguish between someone trying to be racist and hurting others and trying to be attracted to a certain type of person.
‘Broaden your horizons’
Matchmaker Susan Semeniw, who runs Divine Intervention, a matchmaking service in Vancouver, says there’s a difference between preference and prejudice.
“People have a type. We’re very visual creatures,” she said.
“Prejudice to me is when someone says, ‘I’ll never do that,’ and they have ill-conceived ideas about people from a certain place or background.”
On matchmaking, she says she tells her clients to always keep an open mind.
Semeniv said the number of multiracial unions in Vancouver is twice as high as in other parts of the country because of the city’s cultural and ethnic diversity. She says same-sex marriages are often higher in these unions as well.
“So we’re moving forward,” she said.
She says the more open your parameters and the broader your horizons, the greater your chances of success in falling in love.
“Because it’s about the person again.”
